Thursday, February 10, 2011

Being Hypocrite

This is end of one the worst phases of my life. In this phase there was no struggle for acads or job or money or food. This struggle phase was related to my taking breath and it was related to my feeling that I am alive. It was related to my sleep at night. Everything I had could not give me happiness. Booze, money or gifts nothing charmed me, I had lost all my happiness to that one moment which I recalled was a break up. Things are so complicated with relationships. Sometimes you think you can hadle them so easily and yet deep in the core you hava a doubt. A doubt whihc has foundations on luv, the momentary feeling you had once for some one, the smile that is imprinted in your heart and which you cannot exchange every happiness for life time. We are all in the era where even social gathers are digitized. You may not realise what you have done but your friends sitting with a cell phone in thier hand will get the whole story. In this era where your emotions attached to everything is digitized and is public yet you know there is this thing called heart which still beats million times when you remember a smile which you saw ages ago. Trust me this smile cannot be digitized or re-imprinted by any one. So is it correct when we say that we have forgotten about some one and that we dont remember about the person. Well this is really not possible with our era. They have so much frustration in this dynamic world where everything moves so fast that even a moment of happiness counts a lot in their life. They might not admit it but then its true and will always be true that they will remember some one for their life time.

So am I a hypocrite if I say that I have moved on and will never remember her in my life. I will ignore her when she passes by and will never think of her again. Yes what she did to me was ruthless and that there can be no punishment for it. She broke me when I was just starting my career. I was really serious about her and she left me for some one who she had just met. She lied to me about a lot of things most of which was made up just to make me feel sorry. I knew she is not a good girl at heart and she uses every one in her way to make her things work her way. She has a lot of -ves in her life. But there is this one moment where she seemed so serene so pure so full of luv for me. I do not know whether it was fake or true but then I believed it was true.

Its been 3 years of our break up and we were still in contact when unluckily or luckily we met face to face. There she stood in front of me and I was looking into her eyes and suddenly realized that this is not what I should have waited for so long. This should have ended long back in college or even before that. I do not want to keep any relation with her now not even friendship. May be what I am doing is not the correct path but then this gives me happiness. I am at peace with me and my mind for the first time after so long. It took me so long to cure this mental blockage I had. Cant I be happy at the cost of some one being hurt or sad. I know it not right but dont we have the right to be happy and do things what we feel like. I didnt kill or rape any one. I just cut out all the strings attached after going rely close. But thats what exactly happened to me. I never told any one that I felt low or that I miss her so badly that I had to cry to sleep most of the nights. I could not talk to any girl for this time cause I was rely scared to be part of this game of luv. I do not know if I will be able to forget and ignore her when she passes by but yes the thought that I will be able to do so gives me peace at mind. I dont mind people calling me Hypocrite for this.


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